Dear Sir Gawain

Dear Sir Gawain,

                What is the greatest desire of any artist?

A question I'm not sure I know how to answer because it is speaking for far too many people. But I feel as if I can unravel this query for myself. Although, I’m sure neither one of us will find a secure footing in the answer by the end of my letter. I am not a wise man on the matters of artists, and I'm barely a wise man on the matters of myself. I am at best an educated fool when it comes to the topics. I have only been educated through books and that as we know is no real Wisdom, just Knowledge.

                How the world would not believe Knowledge can leave you so very blind without the Wisdom behind it. They call me a fool for my Faith as if that is something different from their blind inherent to Knowledge. And yet, as we know, there is a vast different between stone cold Knowledge and Faith. Faith is born from the Wisdom one does not know it all, and there is something far be on us.

                I am stalling to answer the question above out of fear of what I might find. You asked me that day in the park what an artist desire and I didn’t have an answer for you then. I am not sure I do now, but I must try to give you the Truth as I see it. With my state of mind being in the Lord Lands I'm not sure I want to travel into it and yet, for you, my friend I will do just that.

                My first react to the question which I hesitate to believe is the right answer, is an artist desire to been seen.

I must make a note here; by artists, I mean any creative soul. I do not enclose this title to only one group within the so call ‘art world.' To me, I feel as if painters, writers, singers, cooks and anyone else who dwells in mind to bring forth something is an artist. We have too many boxes for what we think artists are and should be. A painter should be mad like Van Gogh. A writer locked away in his study like Poe. A poet drinking away his life like Bukowski. All these ideas of what artists should fall apart when we imply it to someone else.

(I could not find spot this but I felt it must be said. I am not saying all art is good. I’m just saying all art is art. I have my arguments for why some so called art is bad. Far too many times I have been faced with conceptual art only to walk away wishing to discard it. It is not art, but I cannot elaborate right now why I feel that way for it would change the point of my letter. Maybe, I’ll another to you about my argument.)

Too many young artists seem as if they must pick one of these boxes to sit in, but that is not the case. I have also fallen prey to this line of thought as well. They and I when I was young, try too hard to model our artistic life after some great giant in the art world. Now, I long to be myself and like no one else. I have stepped so far back from this idea that I despise the geniuses of the ‘art world.' If Van Gogh or Picasso or Stephen King can do it then so can I. Nothing is holding me back. Well, that is not true the world is trying very hard to keep me down.

The only difference between those listed above is they have dedicated their lives to their craft. They pour everything they had into their work no matter the cost. Never mind, there is not much of a difference between them and I (or you) outside of the fact everyone else knows their names. 

Is that what I desire, be among that list of artists?

The idea sits well in my mind. I like today dream about it. I like to think about standing on a stage talking about my life, my craft and how I got to this point in my journey. Those dreams of sitting at my desk writing to put food in my belly are one of the best dreams I have. I wonder what is would be like to have fans who can't wait for my next book to hit the shelves. Is that the only desire I have for my art?

I want to reach out beyond time and space and place to put my mind, soul, and feelings into someone’s hands like I am with this letter but is that the end of my desire? It cannot be the reason I rise in the morning planning my day around when I can write. It does not drive me to write when life is hard or when I sit a work wishing I was doing my real job (writing).

To simply make it with my art is not why I have given so much of myself to my craft.  Or it is? I must strive to make it as an artist because of the world I live in, but that fact cannot be the main forces of my work. I have given up too many lovers for my art. I have lost too many jobs at the fear they were eating into my art for my only desire to be making a living with it. There must be something more to why I bleed my soul free in words.

I once told a friend, a lovely friend which I wish, I could have a beer with now, that I believe art is people desperately trying to show their emotions, so they know they are not alone in feeling them. The artist is begging for someone, anyone, to tell them what they are feeling is valid. I wrote to her in a time where I was lost within myself trying to understand who I was. I was jumping from too many boxes and pulling to many things from other artists. And sadly, I wanted to show her how deeply I felt. It was something I learn from Van Gogh.  

(You may be thinking what about now? You said your mind is the Land of the Lost. I did, but I'm not lost with the idea who I am. I have secure with the Wisdom of myself. It is why I can walk the Lost Land.)

I wanted to show her how great my love was but I was too much of fool to see how deadly that would be. I would have freely given her or anyone my soul during that time, but God works in great ways. He kept me alone because I would not have guarded my heart. If I was, to put it bluntly, I was an emotional harlot. I have no problem if we laugh about it now. I do every night when I go to sleep.

So, if my previous belief on why I make art is wrong then what I am left with?

I can say the main reason I make work is to step into my Faith. In the same letter to my friend I wrote, when I make art I can feel the hand God with me. I feel as if He is whispering into my ears. It is why sometimes I have a complicated relationship with the church because I feel God the most when I am making artwork. My Faith is given strength while I work.

At the same time, I believe the Lord is using my craft to help me understand what the emotional storm is within me. He uses my work as a haven from the storm. I spend a lot of time trying to put my emotions on the page because you do not fully understand something unless you can write it down. The Lord bring me to moments where I have no more strength to fight against Him then I give in and make art.

Maybe, we are looking at this all wrong. We keep wanting to know why artists make work, but there shouldn't be a why in it. The work itself should have why it was made, but as for the artist, they are just who they are. Each one of them is different from the other. Each one of them has a different reason for it all. As for me all the wrong beliefs and the right ones above are why I make art. It is what I desire from my craft. I make it, so I reach out to people, understand myself, and most of all sit with God for a while.

I don’t know if there is a real answer in this letter. I’m not sure if any it of is coherent thoughts or if I'm just making myself look like an even bigger fool, but I hope you joy it. I hope after you read and go about your day thinking about what was in this letter. I could ask for no greater compliment than to leave you pondering on my words.

Your Friend,

A Writer